10:02am I have been up since early, in a bit of a state over this being Day 28. Only 12 days left. I put up a fresh batch of kitchari, noticing how much I have come to love the preparation, the decisions I make from one batch to the next — a little more of this, less of that, things chopped coarser of finer, wondering the difference it will make to the finished food. And in the background of that, a hint of something that feels remarkably like the anticipated grief over this extraordinary time of having stepped outside my regular routines coming to an end. I’m pretty sure I’ve touched on this in earlier blog posts, but it’s coming up as more than a thought. It’s here as a feeling with texture and tone and with physical manifestations: tears and an ache in my solar plexus and chest — the kind that comes with sadness.

And so, how to negotiate this terrain. First and foremost, be aware. Stay conscious. Don’t get swept away. This is what’s here today. Day 28. If these were years, this would be the start of my 1st Saturn Return, a time of heaviness, constriction and potential suffering (what many young people think of as “the specter of turning 30). For the moment, today, I am carrying these very energies. What I know also is that it’s only Day 28. It would be an unfortunate case of arrogance to think I have a clue as to how I will feel on Day 40 — much less on Day 40 + 1! I don’t believe the Transformation is for me to know today — what happens when I return from the desert, when I get to Canaan, when the rain stops. Perhaps my challenge for these last 12 days is to stay out of anticipation, out of second-guessing, out of my addiction to the need to know.

There is a process I learned from my former teacher which she called The “get out of your own way” process. It addresses issues of “heart addictions:” addiction to intensity; addiction to the need to know; addiction to perfection; and fixation on what’s not working. Each addiction correlates to a chamber of the heart, which correlates to the medicine wheel and the four directions. It’s a gorgeous practice that I think it’s called for at this time. Once again, much gratitude to my teacher and to all I’ve learned from her.

Into the day, which will include journeying to prepare for several rituals coming up later this month — among them, the Forgiveness Ritual on Yom Kippur, the last day of my fast. It will also include several bowls of delicious, nutritious, healing, hearty kitchari.