40 days and 40 nights — Day 11

8:42pm The day, kitcheree-wise, has gotten away from me. Though it’s getting on toward 9pm I’ve got to put up a batch of kitcheree for tomorrow. I gave some of it to my beloved, who was in need of grounding, clean, homemade food. No better use, as far as I can tell, but now I must start the process of making it because I’ve used the last of the current batch for my evening portion. It’s not that it’s hard to make, but by the time I’m done, it’ll probably be 10:30. And I guess if I continue writing now, it will be even later. So….

9:57pm I’ve just turned the kitcheree off. I’ve made it with red lentils tonight instead of mung beans, something I haven’t tried before, though the recipe I’ve been using says it’s a perfectly fine option. I guess I was feeling daring enough to try something new. Or was it that I was feeling safe enough to risk a batch I might not like as well? Safe enough? Flexibility around food. I may not like it, but it will be nourishing and I will eat it because it is my hope to come out of this experience with the ability and willingness to eat for the sake of nourishment, to have that be the pleasure in the food I eat, that I am beautifully nourishing this container that is housing my spirit, my gifts; this body that carries me from place to place, facilitates my engagement with all the amazing people in my life. So, feeling safe seems to be a key ingredient in self-care. That’s news to me and is coming up a lot lately. Has removing food as a drug opened me up to the truth of how I’ve used food to feel safe. It doesn’t seem like a shocking revelation as I write it now. But arriving at it through this reflection makes it more real than if I’d read it somewhere else, or had the thought in the midst of a sugar high or in fog induced by compulsive overeating. Amazing what I see when I actually take a look at a thing.