10:38am Pre-dawn prayer session went great — I woke up on time, sprang out of bed and did my practice. And I went right back to sleep afterwards. Feeling really good this morning, my aches and pains are less troubling today. This morning, I whipped up another batch of Kitchari for tonight and tomorrow night. Based on how my weekend is shaping up, I actually think I’ll have to make a second batch today to get me through to Sunday. I’d have done it all at once if I’d had a big enough pot. It’s so interesting — different from how I live my life — to have to structure my days around the having of ingredients and planning in the time to cook them. I’ve been so resistant to food prep, creating the situation, for lack of ingredients and the inclination to cook them, where I’m ordering in or eating out much more than I can afford from both a financial and a food quality standpoint. PLEASE may this bring a transformation. So far, I’m enjoying the Kitchari prep. I hope I can think of all food prep as contributing to my health and wellbeing which I have acknowledged as an important action to take for the repair of the planet. How we take care of ourselves is a reflection of how we take care of the planet.

When I went in to check on the Kitchari, I tasted it — one little tiny slurp off the end of the wooden cooking spoon. OH NO!!! Ramadan fast!!!! What have I done!!! My first inclination, of course, was to go all the way down the “you’re such a fuckup” path, but I stopped myself before I’d taken even a few steps in that direction. Everything’s a lesson, Riva. What’s this one? I’d gotten caught up in IM’ing with my daughters which pushed the Ramadan fast to a secondary place in my consciousness. Involvement with my kids ALWAYS shifts my focus. Somehow it seems to me to go with the territory. They are amazing women who it is my privilege to have given birth to and have had a hand in raising! Could I not lose myself as thoroughly in them? Of course! That persists in NOT being job one on my self-improvement list. But back to the lessons: amazingly, I’m not hungry. Hunger is something else that keeps the fast very present for me and I’m neither hungry or feeling that mush-headedness I had most of the day yesterday. I feel ok. Regular. And Regular Riva tastes what she cooks and isn’t a participant in Ramadan. So, I must be careful to hold the space of the IR-regular. It is highly irregular, as in, not part of the last 61 years of my life, to be fasting for Ramadan. Greater vigilance is called for AND a degree of compassion for the slip. Moving on.

5:31pm I’ve spent the last chunk of time worrying about things and not being terribly productive about taking steps to alleviate the worry. Feeling very lethargic and feeling entitled to be lethargic. The day job is just so uninteresting. I find myself waiting for the next prayer session, reading the Times online, Facebooking, stretching out when my eyes start to close. I’m not sure what I expected. But today is hard.

6:26pm Well, writing about it helped. I took care of a few things that have been eating at me (interesting expression — eating at me). Writing about it in the blog woke me up to it. That’s what I hoped would happen and it did. It’s just that till now, I had a great deal of forward momentum. Not liking that it stopped. Really very much with how much I don’t like my work and how much it’s not paying the bills — which at the moment include paying for my mother’s home health aides. It’s a hemorrhage of dollars. The medicaid application is moving so very slowly. Having faith that all will be well is a great big stretch for me. Meanwhile, I paid some bills, will have enough to pay the aides this week and will have to move more of my retirement money out to cover the coming weeks and school tuition. After I break the fast tonight, this will not look so bleak. Thank God I’ve got the retirement money.

7:29pm 28 MINUTES TO BREAK-FAST!!! Sigh. I wonder if people who are practiced at Ramadan clock-watch right about now? Before I ciao down on my Kitchari, I’ll pray, which hopefully will refocus me out of my hungry ghost and into my mystic heart!

9:30pm Just finished the last prayer session of the day and will go to bed. Break-fast was satifying and my inclination to eat more than I need to feel full is great. Going to bed is the best answer to the temptation to keep eating. I’m very full from what I’ve eaten and I’m also so tired. Tomorrow’s a big day. A divination with a Yoruba priestess who is a graduate of my Seminary, a gathering with my writing group, lots of driving. I hope it goes well and that I can maintain my practice. Good night. Peace, Salaam, Sholom!