40 days and 40 nights — Day 3

8am Well, the morning alert on my blackberry, set as a call to prayer failed to wake me at 4:38 as it was supposed to. I’ll have to come up with an alternative for tomorrow. I got up at 5:08 and did a prayer session. I will not be daunted by doing this less than perfectly. It is a reminder that a solitary practice is very hard indeed. I went back to bed after prayer and, in a semi-doze, saw and felt the twin towers burning, people falling. I was appalled by the vision and appalled that my first moment of stepping into Islamic shoes, as an American-Jew with a commitment to Interfaith/interspirituality, had me make the association to a terror attack.

I am disoriented to not be beginning my day with a meal.

11:09am Noticing that I’m thinking people are mad at me. Very compelling. Very familiar. “What you’re doing is weird and you’re unavailable to me” is how this script goes. I keep scanning the various relationships that I’m worrying about for what I might have done to give offense. As the morning has progressed…. Phone call from my mother to say my uncle, her brother, with whom she hasn’t spoken in 20 years, is on his deathbed. I felt Trickster must be in the house to hand me this to have to negotiate during this period and especially on a day when I won’t be eating anything until much later. And I have the massage at 1:15 which I absolutely will not cancel.

5:43pm Am much better on all fronts since my wonderful massage with Suzu and a visit with Jai and then Suzu and Betsy, who drove me home. Before I left for the massage, I called my cousin, who’s father it is that is dying, and left a message. She and I haven’t spoken in probably 15 years. My other cousin, her brother, is at my uncle’s bedside. It’s my understanding that my uncle forbade both his children, on pain of disinheritance, from having contact with me and my mother. A long story involving my calling him on his inappropriate sexual behavior toward me when I was a teen, and to his daughter, all her childhood and adolescence, until she could get out of his house. It telling this to Betsy, and adding how I felt that Trickster was surely in the house, she pointed out to me that I have dedicated this fast to peace and that it will culminate in a Forgiveness Ritual. I have once again called in Spirit and have been taken seriously. Getting back from the massage and paying a visit to my mother who is attempting to process her brother’s dying in the midst of her alzheimers caused me to miss the 3rd call to prayer. I will do it now so that I get 5 prayer sessions into this day. It’s the progress, not the perfection.

6:54pm I keep starting to get up and go to the kitchen. I’m very hungry. Sundown isn’t until 7:59 and there’s another call to prayer coming at 8pm. I’m kind of spacey in my head, also headachey. Not very comfortable, but on the other hand, it IS interesting. I’m amazed that I haven’t eaten anything since last night. I don’t myself to be capable of something like this. Since 40 days is a number of transformation, perhaps eating this way for that long will transform my beliefs about myself vis a vis what I can and can’t do with food. Click here and scroll down to “religion” to see all the transformations that happened after 40 days or 40 years in many faith traditions!

9:16pm Broke my fast with Kitchari and a dollop of goat milk yogurt. Very delicious. I’m a few minutes away from the 5th prayer period and if I’m smart, I’ll call it a day after that. I’ve set my alarm for 4:37am. I realize that with sunrise not until 6:01, I can have another bowl of food which will hopefully help me with the day job. Tried watching television and simply couldn’t. The network dramas that used to engage my attention don’t anymore and though some of the educational TV is interesting, it just seems like a way to fill time rather than have any meaning. Perhaps this period will lead me to ways of relaxing that don’t involve being entertained by really silly things and then enduring advertising. More will be revealed.